Looks like its time for me to move on. And here’s my next big step: a new blog! Yay. heheh, not much of a big step, at least it’s sumtin new ryte?

http://deadend440.blogspot.com/

I’ve just watched The Lake House on DVD which I borrowed from my cousin. I’m into romance movies lately which I know totally sounds gay, but I dont care. Why do I watch them? There are reasons; I"ve been trying to figure out what love is and whether the way I’m feeling logical or even worth it. These sort of movies give me hope, which I know is totally lame.

I cant say that I’m a people person…heck I’m scared of people and scared of making a fool of myself in front of them. But I am a lover and a romantic at heart. I think I care for peoples thoughts and feelings (sometimes too much). I care that everyone has their own view of the world around them. It interests me. I love watching them grow and what certain events can do to a person that causes them to change inside. I find it interesting how some people choose to hide behind a mask while some just choose to exploit themselves openly.

I admit, this is a wierd and out of the blue conversation topic, but I just realised I’ve never talked about it. I grew up with so many different people and I can differentiate fakeness and sincerity. I wonder why some people cant realise their actions and dont even take the time to think. I am a hypocrite, I know, typing this was an act of pure randomness, but isnt it funny?

We mortals are certainly one of god’s funniest unique creations.

CONDITION: Favourable

LISTENING TO: Random static

God is listening, I tell myself that. I respect what he decides to give and keep. Lately, he’s been nice to me. Thank you god for everything. I am still afraid though, that the sudden turn will come soon. Anything can happen you know? I’ve learned that.

I cant believe that things are actually happening the way they are now. Everythings falling into place, just as I hoped it would. the things that I thought would dissappear is as I thought, dissappearing. I dont what to feel though. Satisfied? Confident? Afraid? I figured out what life is… I figured out what to do to keep going and what path I’m going to take, just like i’ve asked. But… do i want that? I know whats going to happen at the next turn of the page, its planned out and written. The only thing i dont know yet is will I be satisfied by it? I guess the only thing I can do is…try and go with the flow.

Acceptance, my next step forward.

MOOD: Generally Improving

LISTENING TO: Nelly Furtado’s Loose album

It’s the start of a new week, and I’d rather not stay hiding under a rock(or behind a computer screen) moping, being depressed and bitching about how sucky things are. Found some things to do to keep my mind off things, got a temp job which works morning till afternoon and going for driving classes at night. It keeps me occupied and I’m not crashing down at a mere mention of a name or the reading of an emotional message anymore.

I’m sorry okay, I’ve said all the things that I wanted to say and you’ve said everything you needed to say. We need to stop making excuses and stop being stuck in this stupid rut. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, I’m tired of the constant headaches, heartaches and tears. Sorry if I’m cold and blunt, but that’s it okay. Stop bringing stuff up and stop reading this blog. Times have changed and you cant keep hoping for stuff that happened 3 years ago. I’ve told you I’ve moved on and things have grown so awkward between us I dont thing it’ll ever be the same. So I’m sorry, I dont know what else to say to convince you, only you yourself can put an end to what you are feeling. I’ve done my part.

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Honestly what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
Miss everything daydreaming

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Traveling I always stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

And the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
So that they could..

Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon
soon so that they could die

Diee..... Diee..... Diee......

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end

When the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon

And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day
Til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling and the clouds were dropping
And the rainfall forgot how to bring salvation
The dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune hoping it would come soon
So that they could die

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I dont know how many times I’ve deleted and rewritten this particular post. My head feels like its completely shut down for some reason. I was actually chatting without caring what I was typing. Reality is slowly kicking in.

I need a jumpstart, I need to do something with all this. It happening again and again. life is stuck on the loop button. I wonder what will happen at the end of all this. So many fucked up things cant happen to one single person, its against logic. I cant say or do anything without something…"happening". Its wierd, everything I thought would happen IS HAPPENING…

I cant make heads or tails of this. I’m going to wait in my bed for the television crew to jump out and say "YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA!". To all involved; "kindly refrain from asking me about this particular tidbit because this is a moment of insanity post, thank you"

I start off the day saying, "I’m finally going to do this". I say that so I can finally do the change I’ve been trying to do for the past years, do stuff I want to do, finally keep the promise I made to myself instead of straying aside for everyone else. I pick up my phone, and hey, its one of my ‘friends’ who hasnt contacted me for a hell of a long time suddenly asking something off of me again. It’s always like this, some people call asking for a favour and no matter how hard and disruptful it is, I always end up doing it. Then you forget me and go back to your freakin lives. Its bloody HURTING ME, but I do it anyways. Why? Yeah, I have a soft side. I’m not saying I dont want to do it. I dont feel like this all the time, (IKHLASNESS IS THE RULE OF MY LIFE), I enjoy helping people but why do some people have to be so ungrateful about it. Sigh… sensitivity, another weakness on my list.

Then, there’s another type. Hah! Playing the symphathy card, I always fall for it. A major crisis and begging for companionship. Oh, I give them that companionship, i rush off for them, thinking I’m being wanted for once. Then, the tables turn, and I’m the one always shouldered off when something better comes along. Big whoop, freakin ditchers. I get so angry. I feel like I want to hate you so much. I shout out to the world, how much you ruined my life. Then, out of the blue, you start to say something that changes my mind. Your simple words can mean so much to me. And then, I start feeling so horrible for saying all of this and again I start to hate myself instead.

To the verge of tears, I try to understand, why do I feel so much hatred and love at the same time. Why do I feel so much lonliness when I have so much to be grateful for. You made me who I am, and I guess I have to be thankful for that. I do pray to god, I pray that you are always happy and I beg him to let me show you how I can keep you happy all the time. But, I know its impossible, I cant keep you, I cant make you mine. I’m not up to it, I cant do it, there was always someone who could do it better than me. That’s why, I cant say those three words, I dont deserve to say it.

You hurt me so much, but I never mentioned how much you keep me feeling alive. I think I would rather die than live without you in my life but I dont think it’s worth living if i have to suffer each and everyday knowing all my attempts will end up fruitless. It hurts now but I’m also afraid of how much it will hurt if I say goodbye. Will you be okay? Will you move on? Am I replaceble? I know I will still think of you, because I couldn’t stop thinking about you for each and everyday since the day we met.

When I’m gone, maybe, this connection, this deprived feeling may fade. I have to do this without you and take this chance or I’ll never get over it. I don’t think I can say goodbye, because I dont think I can handle it. All I can do is say that I am so sorry. I am sorry that this wasnt anything more and I am sorry that I will never be satisfied if I just stay here wishing for something that can never happen.

Within temptation - angels

Sparkling angel I believed
You are my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn’t hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I’ll lead them to your door.
There’s no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realise.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

It makes me laugh at how oblivious you are to everything. GAwd, its so f**kin hilarious, it makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pen. Heck, I don’t blame you for it, I mean, how can I? I was the one stupid enough to get my hopes high, as always. Sigh, I’m makin a fool of myself, seriously. After all this time, what would have make you change your mind, it’s no different, the results are obviously the same. Pure $#$%%#$ dissappointment. I tell myself again and again that I should quit this obsession but it always manages to creep back up on me somehow and it starts choking me till I pass out.

I need space, open space, clean fresh air. Pure expression, I wanna shout out into the sky one more time. I got through this before… I just have to find that state of mind again. Guess the alevels really helped distract me from it, but now with all this free time, my mind starts to wander again, rooting itself back to those painful moments. Lady faith has yet again decided to surprise me, and I got caught in that familiar cage of confusion and frustation. C’mon, I need a break too! I mean, don’t you think I’ve earned it? Maybe it’s a test, maybe I’m supposed to solve this on my own. SIgh, this is the bloody systems fault! Curse you!!!! heheh2

Btw, I’ve figured out that I was never more than a mere spare in the pocket and now is no different. I’ve been trying too hard and too long, I don’t think I can take it much more. You seem pretty capable on your own, so I dont think you need me anymore. You got more out of this bargain than I did and I really have to make up for the losses. Sorry okay, it’s been fun, it was a blast actually but I always said we have to part ways sooner or later. You have everything… everything I ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed of having. But I can’t keep staring out at the neighbours’ greener grass forever, its time I tended to my own.

+the grass is always greener on the other side+

Its hard for me to type up a blog lately. Firstly, I’m worried about what I say. Clearly, I easily offend people or give them the wrong idea or a totally different view from what I meant in the first place. Either they’re just clueless or I really need to improve my writing skills. SEcondly, its hard for me to type up what I really wanna say without falling into a pit of suicidal depression with the stuff thats going through my mind lately.

I’ve been trying to be good, be honest to myself and other people, kurangkan my meaness levels, try to be compassionate, try not to envy,trying not to hate and blame my problems on everything else. I am not proud of my cowardice, nor my disability to finish everything I’ve started and what to do, but I am and always moving on. once I’ve cleared all those doubts up, I will open up. And with that, here I am, typing up another entry to this blog.

To be honest, the reasons I’ve been depressed is because I’ve felt like I’ve been used for the past few months…maybe even years. One of my friends pointed that out recently, though in a joking way, I"m always the last resort. I laughed as usual, but she had no idea how much that hit close to home. I always laugh it off, dats wat I try to do anyways. i make jokes and annoy people (thanks you Ka), and no matter how lame the joke is or how annoyed the person gets, I’m glad I did it. It makes it easier to get through the day and forget why I feel so low. Laughter is a certainly a cure in my book.

There are times when i cant find laughter, and the time where I know I cant find laughter anymore is when I get depressed the most. I cant laugh when I know that I’ve lost the few things that mean the whole world to me and I know I cant laugh when I know there is certainly no way I will ever get them back. Thats the reason I feel used; I make you laugh, I help throw away your fears and insecurities, I give you everything and yet… I am left here alone with nothing left but a memory of what laughter used to be or felt like.

I can blame a lot of people for how I feel and the loss of laughter in my life. I’ve moved on, cleared my heart of these stupid fantasies but one day a friend comes up to me and tells me never to give up, chase on that stupid dream. I foolishly swallow it up…just like i always do. One night and then I see reality again and… it hurts… so bad… I feel like dying, crying my eyes out. A feeling I’ve promised never to feel again. I hide yet again behind this mask of fake lies asking myself why did I take his advice.

When I look back, I cant blame him, he’s telling me what I’ve been telling him for ages. SO its my own fault that I feel this way. I envy him… he managed to walk away, I dont know how I ever will. GUess I’ll keep on doing what I decided to do… face reality, forget and not hope.. it doesnt hurt as much.

i want to cut off all loose ends, though some still manage to cling on tightly. They claim things that clearly never happened or never will. I’ve moved on… i’ve stopped crying now, I’ve stopped begging and praying to god that I’ll get noticed for once.  I stopped cursing her for throwing me away, all that mattered to me was a smile, and I’ve decided to keep to that. Stop chasing those stupid fantasies as did I, we’ll both live longer.

It pains me to keep helping but i do it, with that stupid smile on my face. The smile is no laugh, but at least it’s something. A sacrifice, just to let you know. Do i feel better knowing that I’m making someone’s life a little better no matter how much it hurts inside? Yes… it certainly is, one of the best feelings in the world. My heart may be shattered, my laughter a mere faint echo, but my smile is and sll the time, sincere and true.

The Blower’s Daughter Lyrics
Artist(Band):Damien Rice

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies

I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you…
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind off you
I can’t take my mind…
My mind…my mind…
‘Til I find somebody new

SEE VIDEO HERE

MOOD: SICK TO THE CORE

LISTENING TO: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol

SO much can change, I’ve been saying that lotsa times. Even the course of three days can turn your life around. Ack, trying to get back on track but things keep happening to me. i must be sum kind of bad luck magnet or maybe I’m just faiths most favourite plaything. Cuz she’s been foolin with me and my life that lady faith. now I’m so sick to the stomach, litterally. Been throwing up the whole day, even during my maths alevel paper. Urg, hilang concentration terus. I’ve been feeling horrible, lack of sleep, constant headaches & stomach aches. Am i on drugs? no, but I look like sumone whos suffering from drug withdrawal symptoms.

I cant say i regret my choices. All i can do yet again is hope that things get better and keep stronger with each new challenge. It gets confusing, it really does. Sumtims I dont know what the heck I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I’m am torn in half right now, one side trying to accept it all and one side still hoping for sumthing better. It would be easier if you stop toying with me lady faith. The moment I move on, lady faith comes down from above and throws down these little signs of hope, asking me to continue pushing this losing battle. I tried…i really did… but it’s hopeless. I will never be seen as something else, other than a friend.

I want to go back to that period where I could just concentrate on what was important, instead of back chasing these dumb fantasies. I cant move on if everything and everyone keeps pulling me back. Mom, dad, my friends and the world; why are you punishing me so much? I do think i deserve it, for giving up so easily but give me space, give me room to spread my wings and a chance to cure myself. Lady faith, I love you and your plans for me, but please give me a sign that everything is going to be okay. Cuz, I just dont know.

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Funnily, this song sums up most of what I’m feeling right now.

SNOW PATROL LYRICS

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

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Hope? Or another trick to break me….